Big, Bad, Scary Love

“I need to stop thinking that I’m gonna be okay and everything is going to be okay if just this one thing were to magically happen.” – Vanessa, “Obsessed” season 1, episode 11

I am so scared.

As much as the thought or the idea of romance in my life sounds so wonderful, I just can’t get myself to let it in. Every time I try, I end up with my heart shattered or with my hopes up and disappointed. I think about my past relationships and how I was used or I ended up loving them more than they loved me and I ended up wasting my time and alone again. I think about how I was teased at school because I was too fat, too dumb, too weird, or too something to have a date. I think about how many times I thought or I could’ve sworn there was a connection between me and this other person, but nothing happened – they wouldn’t kiss me, ask me out, or just started dating other people. I’d wait and I’d wait…but nothing ever happens.  

I’m just not loved.

I think about how stupid it all makes me feel.  Stupid, ugly, embarrassed…

It makes me wonder, “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?”  

Over and over, whenever I open my heart and let someone inside, I get hurt. Just when I think I’ve finally found someone to share my life with or someone who truly wants to be with me, something happens — I get used, I get beaten, I get cheated on, or told that they never really cared about me to begin with or worse, just abandoned for no reason…

I’m tired. I’m sick and I’m tired and I don’t want to bother anymore.

I don’t want to risk my heart getting ripped out of my chest and being thrown aside like trash anymore. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t want to feel this pain of feeling unwanted and alone anymore…But, I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Yup, dating can suck — You can get hurt.

"Oh my god, what if, what if what if whatifwhatifWHAT IF?!!!"

You can get dumped, cheated on, stood up, and disappointed.

You can be used, abused, and refused. You could find your dream is a nightmare.

Every time you open up to someone, yes, you risk being abandoned, ignored, poked fun at, manipulated, and/or taken advantage of.  Your date may not be attracted to you and that could certainly make you feel like crap, couldn’t it?

So many heartbreaking, ego-shattering, horrible things can happen to you when you put yourself out there and date and yes, it can happen over and over and over and over and yes, it can suck.

But, we keep doing it, because…what if it doesn’t this time?

With all the “what ifs” that go screaming through our heads, how about the “what if” that this is the time it does work out?

What if your lack of success in finding a mate isn’t about you, but the choices you’ve made?  What if you do get that one date doesn’t end up a nightmare or use you or disappoint you? What if that one person you decide to commit to actually respects you and makes you happy?

Do you really think you could be the only decent person in the world?

What if the reason why your past relationships have failed is because you chose to look at your partner the way you wanted to see them, not for who they really are? What if you were abandoned not because it had anything to do with you but because of their issues.

What if it was really you that ran away or turned down too many interested parties because you didn’t like the way they looked or acted or smelled or just turned them down because “you’re tough?”

What if your own defense mechanisms have made you too tough to touch?

There are just as many pleasant scenarios that can happen as there are unpleasant. Anxieties, fear, and insecurity is rampant! Learn it, know it, live it, and learn to cope. I guarantee there is someone out there who feels just as unworthy, just as scared, and just as alone – or even more so – than you. I guarantee there is someone who is just as frustrated and angry as you. I guarantee there is someone else who blames themselves for their romantic failure, just as much as you. I guarantee there is someone out there who’s also ready to give up, too.

But, you know, science dictates that we are communal animals. We were made to pair up. And biologically, we have the hormonal capability to keep “falling in love” until that happens.

You’ve got over 6 billion chances to find the one for you and there are bound to be at least 100 of those who will think you are beautiful! So, no matter how down you think you are, you’ve got to think and feel beautiful, too because confidence is sexy. Every time you go outside your home, you could meet someone.

Every time you go online, you could meet someone.

Every time you go to the store to pick up groceries, go to the bank, get gas, or shop, or eat, you could meet someone.

Every time you are in the presence of the general public…you could meet someone.

Yes, you could meet someone and yes, it could fail.

It could also be the one time it doesn’t.

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About T. Ray

Writer, visual artist, musician, divinationist, playwright, and "armchair nutritionist." She currently resides in Vegas with her jenday conure, is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists and is pursuing her Master's in Journalism/Media Studies. All things come down to food and Star Wars. Contact: contact@theblacksiren.com
This entry was posted in Ms Ray, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Big, Bad, Scary Love

  1. Hope says:

    I. LOVE, THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  2. hotelgeek says:

    This was really helpful and encouraging. Thank you 🙂

    Like

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