I’m not ashamed to admit it: I, like thousands of others, am on an online dating site. I work nights and weekends which pretty much cuts into any real opportunity to meet someone in person and it increases my chances to meet someone as eclectic and extraordinary as I…
…Okay, or at least ‘different and interesting’ — which, incidentally, would definitely describe my experiences thus far.
Like anyone else, I’ve met some really wonderful men, but things just didn’t work out and I’ve met some really not-so wonderful men for which I’m glad things didn’t work out — just as in the real world. However, unlike the real world, I don’t think people realize that just because I can’t smell your breath or look into your eyes, doesn’t mean you’re excused from thinking before you say anything! I have no idea about the women, but for the men, there are times when I have been amazed by some of the introductions and openers I’ve heard of and personally received and it just makes me shudder to imagine what their mamas would say if they knew their babies were talking to girls like this.
Gentlemen, I know you’re out there. I believe most of you are respectful and have some kind of clue. For this, I’m hopeful, grateful, and I love you.
Now, I present to you some prime examples of what not to do:
“So, is your pussy as cute as your face?”
“I’m in Bangledesh and I want marriage relationship. You come?”
“Hi. I like girlz.”
(The summary of a 1-pager): “Hi! I was very interested in your profile, so I want to tell you my life story and explain what I do for a living with semiconductors because I assume that you’re clueless and then I will go on to tell you more about the drama with my ex wife, the excruciating details of my divorce, and my weird relationship with her daughter…”
“Do you play golf or like to walk? Who was your last boyfriend and why did you too brek up? Do you like ice cream or candy? What’s your favorite position? Do you like to hold hands or do you lik a little pat on the butt? Do you scream or fart when you are pleasured?
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! YOU’RE EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE! THIS IS MY PHONE NUMBER ——- MY ADDRESS ——— MY CELL NUMBER ————- MY EMAIL #1————– MY EMAIL #2——————– OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE TOGETHER! I WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WANTED! I WILL SHOWER YOU IN GOLD [Ray’s note: yeah, that sounded gross] AND TREAT YOU LIKE THE QUEEN YOU ARE! I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET MY MOTHER SHE WILL LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I DO! OH MY GOD!…”
“You are going to contact me because I will it so.”
“I’ll do 500 squats if you go out with me.”
Background — This guy used a picture that looked like it was taken from a dorm room back in the 80’s. Short dark hair, black shades, “Judas Priest oystered out” with the leather and spiked gauntlets crossed over his chest and the following ensued:
“Baby, Heaven must be weeping, because it’s missing an angel. How about we get together for a little bubbly and Kenny G?”
Me: “You’re really old, aren’t you?”
I didn’t hear back from him.
“This sucks, doesn’t it?”
And the award for the WORST Online Dating “Icebreaker” Ever goes to:
“Oh Fishy, Oh fishy, oh fishy, oh fish! Oh fishy, oh fishy, oh fishy, oh fish!………….”