Yes, There IS Getting Over You

You don’t have to be “hopelessly devoted” to anything…In fact, you don’t even have to be “hopeless” at all.

I find it both sad and (please excuse) kind of amusing when a client asks, “So, tell me what’s going on with [insert name here], not that it matters.”

Really? It doesn’t matter so much, you’re spending your hard-earned money to find out what’s going on in their life…hmmm. Okay.

Well, obviously, it does matter but, you can’t tell them that. All any psychic can do is confirm whether or not there’s still a connection between “insert name” and the client. If there is, it’s a chance to discover why it’s still there and what it’s about and if not, then I get the dirty duty to inform the client that things are truly over. It’s the only part of my job I absolutely dread.

Sometimes, the reaction is somber, sometimes mature and accepting, and sometimes they’ll go into denial and lash out. But, there are a handful of times when they just simply ask, usually very innocently, “Well, how am I supposed to get over them?”

That’s an excellent question.

Anyone can tell you that you will get over it, sure, but the “how?” That’s a little different. Breaking up, disappointment, and disillusionment are all painful to the self-esteem, disruptive to the daily routine, and hard on the heart. But, all of us go through it and somehow all of us survive. Though there’s no “one size fits all” formula, there are things you can do proactively to at least help yourself through the process:

1 – Grieve. Seriously. Take the time to cry, scream, be sad, be angry, and be human. If you do the “I’m fine” game too early and try to just go on with your day as if life hasn’t changed, you may as well just pour gasoline over your head and hope no one throws a cigarette in your direction. The first danger is you’re lighting the fuse on your inner bomb. Let it burn down too long and one day when you least expect it, when you can’t control it, you will explode and you’ll be right back to square one asking yourself, “Why the hell did I think I was fine?” The second danger is you deluding someone else into coming into your life when you have no room for them. No one likes to be the “rebound lover.” And while that person’s just trying to enjoy your company, you’re subconsciously comparing  your new person to the ex or perhaps talking about them to the point of such discomfort, the new person will give up. If you’ve been hurt bad enough, you could even be taking it out on them or making them “pay” for your ex’s behavior, i.e.: “My ex cheated on me, now I don’t trust anyone anymore,” or “My last marriage was a disaster. I’ll never do that again!” Your new person hasn’t done anything to you — why slam down their chance to build something with you before it starts?

So, yeah. Take the time to feel and get it out of your system until you can think about them without feeling like you’re getting your chest ripped open.

“WHY?!! WHY??!!”

2 – Don’t keep in contact if you can help it. You won’t believe how many times I’ve heard people who look for comfort and closure from the one that inflicted the pain in the first place.

The person who stabs you isn’t going to bring you a band aid.

Sometimes we can get the chance to talk things over and come to a mutual understanding that the relationship or the expectations of one are over. But, consider that scenario a luxury — most of the time, it’s truly only up to us to find that understanding alone.

“Out of sight, out of mind” really helps when you’re trying to recover from a love loss because you’re focused more on yourself rather than the feelings associated with being around the other person. You are the center of your life. You’re the one who needs to sleep at night and you’re the one who has to move on.

So, yes, you’re the one that needs all the attention right now.

3 – Stop asking about them. Now that things are over, the cold bottom line is that what they do no longer matters. Who they see, where they go, what they’re up to is no longer your concern and having that information not only keeps you from healing because you’re staying energetically connected to something that is no longer there, so therefore, it’s just draining you, but it’s inconsequential. The preoccupation is just masochistic entertainment to keep yourself from paying attention to what’s really important.

Some people believe that if their ex is unhappy, they’ll return and that is not usually the case. Sure, their new relationship may end, but there’s a better chance that they’ll find someone new rather than go back to a failed situation.  Another aspect that people seem to forget is that if someone’s an “ex,” there’s usually a good reason for it!

Going back to the “devil you know” usually only keeps you in hell.

So, if you find yourself obsessed or too curious about that person who no longer has any part of your life, stop and say, “Nope. It doesn’t matter anymore,” and find something else to occupy your time – preferably something productive.

“…excuse me, I must take my mind off of things. Here – You can have it!”

4 – Stay out of the “What If” Cycle! “What if this” and “what if that“…seriously. That helps you how…? Think about it.

5 – Don’t beat yourself up. Just because things didn’t work out doesn’t mean you’re stupid or a failure. It means you tried to build something without all the necessary materials. If you wanted a family, but your partner didn’t, things weren’t going to work out. If you wanted a commitment and they didn’t, it wasn’t going to work out. If you just wanted to be left alone while your partner wanted to talk all the time, things weren’t going to work out, and so forth. You may have missed the red flags, you may have seen your love for his/her potential rather than their reality, but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It means you fell in love and love is such a powerful drug that no one can function properly under in the influence. If you’ve made mistakes, forgive yourself and keep in mind not to make them again. And if your former love mistreated you or made mistakes, make sure you look at the signs next time and fix (or break free) before it happens again.

Which brings us to…

5 – Forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive your ex because Forgiveness is truly the best medicine for a broken heart.
Starlight Buddha II - photo by T. "Ray" V. 2007

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About T. Ray

Writer, visual artist, musician, divinationist, playwright, and "armchair nutritionist." She currently resides in Vegas with her jenday conure, is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists and is pursuing her Master's in Journalism/Media Studies. All things come down to food and Star Wars. Contact: contact@theblacksiren.com
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