I’d like to do something a little different today…
So, as you know, I’m on a dating website, just like millions of others. I see no reason to be embarrassed about it. Truth is, with my nocturnal work schedule and unique personality, it’s very hard to meet people. I’m not necessarily looking for someone to jump the broom with, but the idea of having a nice, warm masculine body to share my coffee, my conversation, and my bed would be wonderful.
And I don’t think that’s really asking for much, is it?
So, a few weeks ago, after weeding through various, “Hey cutie, wanna chat’s” and “Me Tarzan, you Jane’s” there were a few interesting prospects, but one really stood out. A cute, single-dad Geek on the other side of town who stated he was “looking for someone to share his life with.” We chose each other and I wrote to him. He wrote back and we hit it off.
Our interactions were everything I could’ve hoped for. We had tons in common, the same twisted sense of humor; we were equally intelligent, expressive, even the same religion with the same principles. Every email he wrote was a little Christmas present and every little present I opened made me feel…”right.”
Everything was “right.”
And when he asked me out, for the first time, I didn’t feel nervous. Excited, maybe, but I didn’t have any “what if’s” about meeting him. I knew we were going to be attracted to each other. I knew he was going to like me. I knew I was going to like him. I knew we were going to have fun. And I knew this was different.
And I was right!
I looked fabulous and he was “all that!” He was just as cute as in his pics, he was sweet, easy to talk to, easy to be with. We had cappuccinos in a cool little dive downtown, played a card game (we’re into board games) and talked for over four hours. Long after the sun set, he took me home where we made out like teenagers for Goddess knows how long…
He asked if he could keep my number
He asked if he could deactivate his dating site account.
He told me I was “Amazing” — a few times, in fact.
He asked me to write to him again.
He said he wanted to see me again.
I told him I wanted to make him dinner sometime.
He said he’d like that a lot.
He said he wanted me.
I said I wanted him, too — and damn, I meant it!
In fact, everything he wanted, I wanted, too.
He put my hand on his racing heart…all this while he was kissing me, touching my hair, touching my face.
And I didn’t feel “swept off my feet,” I didn’t feel like there were violins playing in the wind, I didn’t feel like a Disney princess. I felt like I just sighed a great sigh of relief: “Finally.”
And the best part was he said that I deserve respect. And no one, no one, had ever said that to me before. I entered my apartment alone because I purposely didn’t prepare for company (he said he didn’t believe in sex on the first date and I do, so I took the precaution) feeling happier than I had done in so long! I have a big jar with “2013” labeled on it where I keep all my good memories for the year on little slips of paper and after I fixed myself a little dinner, I put his name and his deep, sensual, sweet kisses in the jar. And as we agreed and as I promised, I wrote to him.
The next day the only response I got was a text, “Got home fine, been running errands.” Nothing else. Absolutely nothing. How could I not wonder what the hell was going on? The cards were mixed, but then again so was I. By late evening, I was starting to feel very stupid. By midnight, I felt like I had just been left on the bed while my partner got up to cum in the toilet.
Next morning – nothing. By afternoon, more nothing.
Maybe something happened. Maybe he’s in trouble. Maybe he misinterpreted something. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe, fuck it. I’m calling him.
So I did. I wasn’t angry. Hurt, yes. Confused, absolutely, but I wasn’t going to call him with anger because I genuinely don’t know why I’m being ignored.
To my surprise, I got through. And just as I said his name, he cut me off, “I’m really busy and can’t talk right now” and hung up on me. *click*
And after the shock, I remember a conversation I had on Facebook with another professional tarot specialist: I said, “The number one question I get is, ‘How does he feel about me’?” and he responded, “And that’s where I say, ‘Why don’t you call and ask him’?”
Well, smarty pants…What’s your answer now?!
One minute I feel like my prayers have been answered and the next, I’m tossed aside like a fruitcake. No reason. No explanation. No confrontation. Not even a “have a nice day.” Hell, not even an “April fools! Go fuck yourself!”
I’m still mortal. Do you think my self-esteem is not going to be affected by this?! Do you think I’m not asking myself, “What did I do?” Duh! I don’t know why, I don’t understand. And the reason why I don’t understand is not because I’m stupid or I’m in denial, but because I may be psychic, but I like every other mortal can’t do shit while they’re in the process of falling in love!
And like anyone else, in order to move on or heal, as a human being, I need to understand. You can’t proceed if you don’t know where you are. I just got really hurt and that’s an experience I (obviously) don’t want to repeat. I want to know what I can do, on my part, to not have that happen again. Was it my karma? Was it something I said? Was there something he wasn’t telling me? Did he just freak out? Were there signs that this wasn’t as perfect as it seemed that I had missed? My heart’s a reckless teenager throwing a fit and my brain is flashing, “Does not compute.”
Divination. That’s what it’s for.
And newsflash: There really is no such thing as a stupid question.
That person who asks if their love is going to return after 10 years of absence, is not stupid. They’re stuck. Divination can help explain why.
That person who asks if their love is going to get a divorce is not stupid. There’s a reason why they made that choice. Divination can help explain why. Divination lifts the veil and reveals.
And divinationists and mediums who weed their querants because they feel some questions are a waste of their time, JUST DON’T GET IT.
“Will I get that job?” and “Will I get married?” may seem superficial, but if we’re good at what we do, we’ll not only answer that question, but we’ll be able to explain and discuss what lies beneath.
“You’re not here to make a choice, you’ve already made it. You’re here to understand why you made it.” — The Oracle, The Matrix: Reloaded
If I was able to get a clearer reading, maybe I would’ve been better prepared and maybe I wouldn’t hurt so much. For the lack of better guidance, I wrote him one last note:
“I don’t know what I said. I don’t know what I did. I don’t understand.
But, this is not how you handle a problem! Telling me that I deserve respect one night and then treating me like a disease the next doesn’t accomplish anything except cause unnecessary drama.
This is not what grown ups do.
I don’t know what conclusions you’ve jumped to or what happened to you between 9:00 Saturday and midnight Sunday morning but I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the problem is.
And now I don’t want to.
I feel stupid. I feel hurt. And I feel angry.
I do not deserve this treatment. And now, because you can’t seem to put on your big boy panties and say, ‘Ray, I have a problem…’ you’ll never know just how much.
And may no one ever treat you the way you treated me.”
I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through this and unfortunately, I won’t be the last. Right now, I may feel like an idiot that’s doomed to be disappointed, hurt, and alone for all time. But, I really don’t know that, do I?
What I do know is that I don’t want to feel that way. I know I don’t want that to be the truth. However, if it is, I’d like to know what I can I do to change it. What am I not seeing? What other options are there? Is this a spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental issue that’s keeping me from what I want? I can ask a friend. I can ask a sister.
And thank Goddess, because we’ve all have been gifted, I can even ask The Universe…