Why Isn’t My BFF In Love With Me, Too?

Sorry, about the "Twilight" reference, but unfortunately, it was the best example I could find...

Sorry, about the “Twilight” reference, but unfortunately, it was the best example I could find. (And believe me, I frickin’ LOOKED!)

You two are inseparable!

Everywhere you go, they go. You speak the same language, eat the same food, can talk the same talk, walk the same walk, maybe even have a little kissy-kissy now and again.  However the dynamic, all you know is that being together is as easy as breathing. You feel good with them. You feel right with them and you can’t imagine life without them, so of course you’re in love. And maybe it’s been this way for months or even years, it’s so obvious that you two belong…

But, they date other people.

It’s baffling, though, isn’t it? I mean, here you two are bosom buddies, clearly “soul mates” (don’t get me started), and have even been mistaken for a couple so many times because you’re both such a natural fit, so why would your BFF look anywhere else for love? Everything they can possibly want is right there in front of them, right?

It’s like, if they’re hungry and there’s this great buffet, then why they hell do they insist on going to McDonald’s…?

Running out of gas at a gas station or out in the cold in front of a church. Would it make any more sense to starve at a buffet? Not unless you're really not hungry.

Running out of gas at a gas station or out in the cold in front of a church. Would it make any more sense to starve at a buffet? Not unless you’re really not hungry.

And sometimes, there’s this weirder thing: They tell you that you’re their “number one.”  That you’re the most important person in their life – maybe even had to break up with one or two of their relationships because their partner couldn’t take the competition! Doesn’t that say that they’re in love, too?

Well, frankly, no. No, It doesn’t.

“I love you, too” says that. Making you their partner, not someone else, says that. And waiting around for them to “realize” that you’re the one for them while they’re dating or in a relationship with someone else is not only counter-productive, it’s downright masochistic.

Love can not only be natural and reactionary, but it is also something that can be built. It takes patience, good communication, trust, respect, sensuality, having fun, and care. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks, but rarely months. Falling in lust takes a second and it’s purely physical, but falling in love is a momentary hard-core chemical reaction that knocks hormones out of whack and creates an energetic, emotional connection that makes “building love” with someone a desirable thing to do. Doesn’t necessarily mean commitment, but it certainly entails loyalty and communion.

When someone says, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in’ love with you,” that’s essentially what they mean. They’re saying they care, they respect, they trust, and communicate well with you, but they don’t have the chemical reaction – the missing link in a true romantic partnership.

If you talk with any successfully married couple, I can almost guarantee that every single one of them will say the same thing, that they “just knew right away.” And when someone knows right away (just like how you feel about your BFF), there’s no need to look anywhere else! There’s no need to date anyone else because you’ve obviously found what you’ve been looking for.

Think about it, would that make any sense? “I love you, I want to be with you, you’re the one, so I’m going to date other people.”


The bottom line is, when it comes to the Great and Powerful “Fifth Element” Love, there is no question. There is no doubt, there is no delay. It’s Mother Nature’s narcotic that makes us high and loopy so we desire to commune and build families with one another. Either you’re both shot or you’re not. Sometimes we get a little dose and sometimes we nearly OD on the stuff.  But, whatever the amount, the chemistry needs to be there.

The first clue-by-four upside the head that says your BFF doesn’t feel the same way about you is the fact that they are romantic with someone else. Period. Regardless of what they say, regardless of how much time they spend with you, regardless of what they promise, whatever. Doesn’t matter. The big picture, the big obvious says, “Sorry, it’s not you.”

And yes, it’s unbelievably painful. And yes, it’s a horrible, horrible feeling like a punch in the chest. And even though you might feel stupid, guess what? You’re not. Nature got the best of you, which is a power beyond all of us. And your BFF…well, has kind of been exploiting that. Maybe they haven’t been doing it intentionally, (or maybe they have), but if you two are truly as close as you believe you are, then it would be really, really tough to miss the signs regarding how you feel.


Love is hard to keep to yourself, especially to the “best friend a person could ever have!” So now, with this, here are some things to consider:

1 – They know, but they choose to ignore so they don’t hurt your feelings.
2 – They know, but they choose to ignore it so hopefully, eventually you’ll get over it.
3 – They know, but they choose to ignore it because you do so much for them.
4 – They know and they told you how they felt, but you still choose not to believe them because you think they’ll change their minds (as if love has anything to do with rational thinking) or you can’t handle the heartache, so you stay in denial.

For the first three, all anyone can say is, it’s time for the two of you to talk. Really talk. Get it all out on the table. If you’re truly friends, then you can say anything to each other and you’ll be alright. If you’re not, then it’s time to find out before you experience any more pain.

If you’ve already told them, but they said, “I don’t know” or “Maybe,” then that’s just cruel. It’s also not true, especially if they’re dating other people. There is no “maybe” or “perhaps” in realm of love. Real love is unmistakable, distinct, and brutally honest – you should know, because you’re in it, yourself! If there’s a “maybe” that means “no, but I’m afraid to lose you,” or “No, but I’m afraid to just say so.” It could also mean, “No, but I’m just afraid,” too, but that doesn’t change that they have chosen to be romantically available to other people and not to you.


Now, if they said, “I’m sorry, but No,” then perhaps you should think of their answer this way: If someone is on top of you and you say, “No,” would you want that person to ignore what you say because they think your body is saying “yes” or they believe you’ll change your mind if they press harder? Of course not!! “No” means “No!”

Well…hey, your BFF said, “No.” “No” means “No.” Not “someday” not “maybe” not “Perhaps.” Pressing harder, being persistent, or spoiling them with gifts or favors is not going to change their mind or their feelings.

No. Means. No.

So, what is this hope you’re holding on to?  It’s not your fault the chemistry’s not there, it’s Nature’s!  Your BFF isn’t the only one you’ll ever love, either. I can bet they’re not the first and I can guarantee they’re not the last. But, you won’t know if you keep holding on to a dream…

Can't sleep forever...

Can’t sleep forever…

Now, don’t get me wrong, dreams are great. And after all, “a dream is a wish your heart makes,” right? The problem is, hearts are selfish, immature, whiny, reckless, and frankly sometimes just downright stupid. Seriously, the only two things a heart knows are how to pump blood and what we want.

And when any human being really, truly wants something, we absolutely know it without a doubt and will go out of our way to make sure we get it.

But, the Universe always knows what we need. So, while you’re waiting around, somewhere outside your dreams, in reality, The Universe has someone waiting around for You.


About T. Ray

Writer, visual artist, student, musician, and "armchair nutritionist." She currently resides in Vegas with her jenday conure and two beloved rescue cockatoos. She is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists and the National Society of Leadership and Success (Sigma Alpha Pi). While pursuing her degree in Journalism/Media Studies at UNLV, she continues to contend that all things come down to food and Star Wars. Contact: verteram@unlv.nevada.edu
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