Give Too Much, Expect Nothing Back

enslavement kiss

“He said he didn’t want a commitment, so I bought him a $300 hockey jersey. Bastard still didn’t want a commitment. Should I ask for the shirt back?”

“I don’t understand. I know he’s my soul mate! HE knows he’s my soul mate. So, I pay his rent, his bills, I take care of him when he’s sick and he still has other girlfriends. It just makes no sense!”

“I give her everything she wants. I’m so nice to her and she keeps coming back to me but won’t be my girlfriend.”

Though there’s not just one answer to the riddle, the underlying theme is very simple: Suckers aren’t sexy.

beatles can't buy me love picture sleeveOne of the biggest mistakes a lover can make is believing that the more they put into another person, the more they’ll get out of it. It’s an old-fashioned fallacy even for monetary investments, so to put so much stock in that belief in regards to something as fickle as the human heart could only prove itself as just masochism.

Most lovers who find themselves in a position of trying to over-prove their worth or find themselves “give give giving” all the time are usually stuck in a “Maneuvering” relationship, where the partner doesn’t want a commitment, but won’t let go. It’s an emotionally abusive circumstance where the Giver is basically manipulated into accepting empty promises of love and only bits and pieces of their partner’s time and attention. Yet, when the Giver decides that enough isn’t enough anymore and tries to move on, the Maneuvering partner says everything the Giver wants to hear and does everything the Giver needs in order to win back their heart and get their hopes back up so the cycle can continue.

What the Giver never realizes is the reason why the cycle is in motion in the first place is because they’re giving too much!

let-me-go-man-beggingWhy should the Maneuverer change their ways if they’re getting everything they want without having to give anything in return? Why should they respect you if you don’t respect yourself? Think about it: If you act like a walking ATM machine and a nursemaid, then that’s how you’re going to be treated. You can’t change someone else, but you can change your situation. And the only way your situation can change is if you do. Usually what the Giver is investing in is not so much the person that they’re with, but their idea of the person that they’re with. The Giver has a tendency to see only the potential of what their love could be, not what they actually are and it’s amazing what happens when they begin to see the truth. It never fails — whenever it does, I hear, “Wow, I thought I couldn’t live without them. But, then when I did start living without them, my life actually got easier!” or “better.”

Money can buy sex, but it can’t buy love.


If your bribery and overly-niceness actually works, then you may want to take another look at what you’re investing in…

Sex is easy. Physical desire is a purely chemical reaction. Sometimes that reaction can be brought on by spiritually energetic circumstances or emotional responses, but regardless of what may cause that reaction, science dictates that the reaction happens within minutes, sometimes seconds. Hormones, pheromones, and blood rushes are part of the animal’s need to mate. Everyone, regardless of looks, race, creeds, whatever will chemically react to another somewhere, somehow because that’s how Mother designed the world. After all, prostitutes have been able to capitalize on that aspect of Nature as long as there’s been dirt on the ground…

The problem is not all chemical reactions are with whom we’d like or expect to be with. However, the upside is when that magnetism happens, the reality is always more powerful, more fun, and more amazing than any fantasy you can dream of!

So, if someone wants you, they’ll know right away. Not months, not years — immediately.

But, making love and wanting a partnership is a little different. That “complete package” where someone wants all of you, not just your body, not just your wallet, not just your this or that, but your whole person and wants to build a life with you is a little harder to find and there is no bribery big enough to buy that genuine desire. First they have to want a life partner to begin with. Then, they have to have the capacity to consider others when making their decisions. They have to have the ability to reciprocate and empathize. If you’re giving-giving-giving and not doing a whole lot of receiving, then you’re very likely barking up the wrong tree. And the Maneuverer or lover who doesn’t demonstrate the relationship traits, readiness, or chemical reaction with you is not going to change because you can’t fight Nature. Even if you could change them, if you have to bribe someone to love you, then it’s not so much Love as it is a business deal.

Is that what you want?

Do you want the person you love to feel obligated every time they touch you? Do you want the person that you love to feel trapped, without a choice to stay with you because they’ve become dependent on you for survival? Do you want that person to look into your eyes and wish you were someone else?


Do you really hate yourself so much that you believe you feel you need to control another person with money and things to have them be with you?

People respond to what they perceive, not just receive. If you want to be loved, show how much you love yourself, first. If you want to be wanted, show how irresistible you are and shine your real light on your soul, not your bank account. You want respect? Then start saying, “No,” stick to your guns, and watch the majick.

Give to yourself first.

self respect first sexy second


About T. Ray

Writer, visual artist, student, musician, and "armchair nutritionist." She currently resides in Vegas with her jenday conure and two beloved rescue cockatoos. She is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists and the National Society of Leadership and Success (Sigma Alpha Pi). While pursuing her degree in Journalism/Media Studies at UNLV, she continues to contend that all things come down to food and Star Wars. Contact:
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3 Responses to Give Too Much, Expect Nothing Back

  1. KAREN says:

    When you write “And the Maneuverer or lover who doesn’t demonstrate the relationship traits, readiness, or chemical reaction with you is not going to change because you can’t fight Nature.”
    Do you mean someone else can’t change them…or…they simply will never change, ever, even if they want to change and even if they take steps to learn to change and then practice changing?
    If they can’t change, then it’s something in their genetic makeup or an incurable disease.
    If it’s learned behavior, isn’t it possible they can learn better behavior? Albeit, with hard work, dedication, and commitment.


    • Ms. Ray says:

      Great questions! (I feel like I’m in my Philosophy 102 class – lol!)

      1 – No one can change anyone else. Ever. (Just like no one can change you). When or if someone changes, that is up to the individual. Maybe it would be because of someone else, maybe not. If they choose to take the steps, then that’s still their choice. The only person in our lives that we can change is ourselves.

      2 – Sometimes it’s genetic, sometimes it’s environmental, sometimes it’s from trauma. There could be a handful of reasons why someone has intimacy issues. But, intimacy issues run deep and would not only take a tremendous amount of effort to re-program, alter behavior, and recover, the healing process can be painful.

      If you’re talking about yourself, you have a long hard journey ahead of you and I applaud you for taking the steps to be able to connect.

      However, if you’re talking about someone else, you might want to step back and just hope for the best for them.

      Thanks, Karen!
      Many blessings )O(


  2. KAREN says:

    Thanks for the great answers! My husband used to accuse me of approaching life, and our relationship, like it was a college course. I was a terrible college student so that analogy was a bit worrisome. However, I figured, if I wanted to learn something, I needed to approach it as a student. Made sense to me. So, Philosophy 102, here we are! LOL

    I wasn’t writing these questions about myself, although they apply to me just as much as the people I was writing them about – two dear friends who are breaking up.
    Their situation brought me to your blog site which inspired me to do some serious thinking about the topic(s).

    I have been on the long hard journey of self-discovery and self-improvement for twenty-some years. I continue to make baby steps in the right direction. It is sometimes painful, but not as painful as staying stuck in the person I was…and sometimes slip back into.

    I look forward to following your posts and learning more.
    Thanks for being there and sharing your experience.


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